FIXING MARITAL ISSUES:
A HELPFUL DPTC GUIDE

NO ONE goes into a marriage expecting that a divorce looms ahead (but for nearly 50% of marriages, it does … according to today’s stats). Of course, problems and trials do come up. We are sorry that this is going on in your life, and we want you to know that there is hope. When trials come, you two must respond appropriately instead of reacting.  (Life is 2% what happens to you, and 98% how you respond to it – so, are you responding intelligently? Maturely? Or, are you prideful/demanding/powering up, like you’ve seen so many others do? STOP FOLLOWING SOCIETY’S MODEL.)

There are plenty of examples of couples whose marriage relationship had been damaged even worse than your current situation, and were on the brink of a painful end to their marriage … which would have solved nothing. They ended up saving their marriages. You should check out their stories. There are so many ways to rebuild a marriage and change its partners for the better. Be active about this, not passive; optimistic, not defeatist or proud. Get help (not just help from anywhere, but help directly from the inventor of marriage – God – and the books and videos based on that perfect source).

Partners don’t need to settle for a bad marriage, nor should they follow today’s warped ‘normal’ and just chuck it all at the first sign of a big problem.

INVEST THE TIME NOW to learn how to minimize trials and to properly handle the ones that come up. LEARN and CHANGE as necessary (today’s society will surely NOT tell you how – and you CERTAINLY can’t get much good guidance from secular television or other parts of today’s society!)

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BELIEVE THIS: You want to do EVERYTHING POSSIBLE to keep this thing from going into court, with its testimonies .. .its court dates and reschedulings .. .its cattle calls of divorcing and custodial humanity lining the hallways of the court … its lies, counterlies, hurt feelings, revenge, unnecessary lifetime escalations of bitterness … its aggravation … impressions and perceptions taking precedence over the truth … its twists, turns, misunderstandings, inaccuracies, and hunger for money (and we’re even talking about some of the Lawyers!). DON’T GO THERE. WE have been there, and we gotta tell ya, “You want to do EVERYTHING POSSIBLE to avoid it.”

• Since God can and has raised the dead, created the earth, and created you, He can easily steer you two toward ways to save your relationship and slowly direct it back to its loving roots.
• What God has joined together, let no one split apart. (Matthew 19:6; Mark 10:9)
• God hates divorce (Malachi 2:16) and provides only two allowable reasons for it. (However, the causes of those two should be pre-avoided in the first place.)

If you got married for your own personal pleasure, to look good in the eyes of others, or to fulfill yourself and your own life/self-worth, your marriage relationship will suffer. You’ve built your house on shifting sands. A transition needs to be made. Solidify your Marriage; Put it THIRD in importance. Yep, THIRD

1) Get to know God – He invented you, invented marriage and its guidelines, and created the world. He is the foundation of it all, so skipping this step in order to pridefully be all tough and “D.I.Y.” is stupid. Common, but stupid. He created you for a purpose, and ”You” – your stuff, your pleasure, your winning, is not the purpose. IT’S NOT ABOUT HAVING THE PERFECT MATE; IT’S ABOUT ACTIVELY STRIVING TO BECOME THE PERFECT MATE. Click here for a list of helpful resources >>

2) Not only did He invent you and invent marriage, He also gave us a lifeline – a clue – His instruction manual – the Bible! Shed all the old “Well, I was brought up this way, I’m an adult now, and I ain’t changing. Learning and changing ended after high school” crap. It’s not helping. All your problems, and all the world’s problems, are solved in that owner’s manual; why aren’t you reading it? PRIDE (and its minion, unmet expectations), SELFISHNESS and UNFORGIVENESS are poisons. You gotta let ’em go, friend. STOP FOLLOWING SOCIETY’S MODEL.

IT MAY FEEL GREAT TO DO THESE THINGS IN YOUR LIFE -THEY’RE CERTAINLY POPULAR, PROMOTED, AND PRIZED THESE DAYS -BUT THEY RUIN YOU:

• Stubbornness, self-pride
• Selfishness
• Revenge, criticism, bitterness
• Self-pity, self-isolation when there’s a problem
• Gossip, slander, sarcasm, “pushing someone’s buttons” to see how they’ll react
• Being a hypocrite
• Withholding things (truth, affection, money, forgiveness, apologies) from your mate until they give in
• Fits of rage and anger; threats
• Blackmail and manipulation

Society and media show and tell us: do these things! Do you? If so, YOU NEED TO CHANGE THE PERSON IN THE MIRROR.

3) Commit to treat your spouse and the marriage covenant as more important than you, and expect nothing in return, even when boredom and the 7-year itch set in. (this sounds terribly countercultural, but it is true.)

4) Children: You love em! You’re proud of them. You want the best for them. You want them to “have an even better life than you did.” Really? Really? If you do, then you’ll maximize your efforts to provide a proper LEGACY: A consistent loving example of “how to treat a spouse, how to do life day-to-day, how to be kind, unselfish, and patient, and how to act once they’re your age” – NOT by putting your needs above theirs, NOT by smoking, swearing, gossiping, or drinking in their presence, and NOT by badmouthing the other parent in front of them. If there is dysfunction in your family and in your upbringing, YOU be the one to BREAK. THE. CYCLE.

5) In fifth place comes everything else…hobbies, friendships, activities, work, sports, and everything else. You name it; it belongs out of the top 4.

BECOME A BETTER PERSON. BECOME A GREAT MARRIAGE PARTNER.

Resources:

• The Bible (Pick an easier to read version, such as New Living Translation, New American Standard Bible, English Standard version, or New King James Version. Where to start? See a good, Bible-preaching pastor – or talk to us.)
• “True Spirituality” by Chip Ingram
• “The Resolution for Men” by Kendrick and Kendrick
• “Crazy Love” by Francis Chan
• “Five Moral Fences” by James MacDonald
• “True Woman 101: Divine Design” by Kassian and Demoss
• “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman
• “Different by Design” from Grace to You (www.gty.org)
• “Five Lies that Ruin Relationships” by Chip Ingram
• “Overcoming Emotions that Destroy” by Chip Ingram
• “Your Money Counts” by Howard Dayton
• “Love, Sex, and Lasting Relationships” by Chip Ingram
• “Swipe Right (The Life and Death Power of Sex and Romance)” by Pastor Levi Lusko
• “Act Like Men” by Dr. James MacDonald
• “Five to Thrive: How to Determine if Your Core Needs are Being Met” by Dr. Kathy Koch
• Movie: “Flywheel”
• Movie: “Courageous”
• Not Marked: Finding Hope and Healing after Sexual Abuse, by Mary DeMuth
• Death of a Hero, Birth of the Soul: Answering the Call of Midlife, by John Robinson
• Men in Midlife Crisis, by Jim Conway
• Never Ever Be the Same: A New You Starts Today, by Larry and Kathy Miller
• Every Man’s Battle, Revised and Updated 20th Anniversary Edition: Winning the War on Sexual Temptation One Victory at a Time, by Stephen Arterburn, Fred Stoeker

GREAT MARRIAGES DON’T JUST HAPPEN. THEY ALWAYS TAKE WORK. BUILD YOUR MARRIAGE TO LAST. START NOW (IT’S EASIER NOW. IT’S HARDER LATER.) IT’S NEVER TOO LATE.

Resources:

• www.markmerrill.com
• www.marriagerevolution.com
• http://familyfoundations.org/ (family financial counseling organization)
• www.focusonthefamily.org; call 1-800-AFAMILY for counseling   
• www.familytalk.org
• “The Fulfilled Family” by John MacArthur
• “Sacred Marriage” by Gary Thomas
• Devotional: “Devotions for a Sacred Marriage” by Gary Thomas
• “Married. Happily. (Secrets to a Great Marriage)” by Greg Laurie
• “Questions Couples Ask” by Les and Leslie Parrott
• “The Art of Marriage” from Family Life Publishing
• “Choose to be Happily Married” by Bonnie Jacobson
• “Building a Marriage That Lasts” by Dr. James C. Dobson
• “The Surprising Secrets of Highly, Happy Marriages” by Shaunti Feldhahn
• “Rekindling the Romance” by Dennis and Barbara Rainey
• “Building Your Marriage To Last” by Dennis and Barbara Rainey
• “Money and Marriage God’s Way” by Howard Dayton
• “The Marriage You’ve Always Wanted” by Gary Chapman
• “Experiencing God’s Dream for your Marriage” by Chip Ingram
• “Improving Communication in your Marriage” by Gary and Barbara Rosberg
• “Building your Marriage” by Dennis Rainey
• “Kingdom Marriage” by Tony Evans
• “You and Me Forever (Marriage in Light of Eternity)” by Francis and Lisa Chan
• “Four Secrets to a Forever Marriage: Marriage Tops from a Not-So-Perfect Husband” by Michael Letney
• “A Couple’s Guide to a Growing Marriage: A Bible Study” by Gary Chapman
• Every Man’s Battle (Workshop)
• Women in the Battle workshop (Women in the Battle is designed to help women who have been hurt in relationships with men who are or have been involved in pornography, sexual addiction or adultery.)
• No More Perfect Marriages: Experience the Freedom of Being Real Together, by Mark Savage and Jill Savage
• ‘No More Perfect Marriages’ Conferences – www.seminar.jillsavage.org
• How We Love: Discover Your Love Style, Enhance Your Marriage, by Milan and Kay Yerkovich
• The God Empowered Wife: How Strong Women Can Help Their Husbands Become Godly Leaders, by Karen Haught and Jerry Cooley
• Close Calls: What Adulterers Want You to Know About Protecting Your Marriage, by Dave Carder
• “How to Love – expanded edition” by Milan and Kay Yerkovich

PROPERLY RESPOND TO PROBLEMS. AVOID DIVORCE.

Healing Resources:

• “I Don’t Want A Divorce: a 90 Day Guide to Saving Your Marriage” by Dr. David Clarke
• “Forgiving Others – Joining Wisdom and Love” by Timothy S. Lane
• “Black and White Bible, Black and Blue Wife: My Story of Finding Hope after Domestic Abuse” by Ruth Tucker
• “Her Heart’s Cry” by Dana Snider (pornography addiction)
• “Two Fleas and No Dog” by Craig Hill
• “Family Feuds: How To Respond” by Christian Counseling and Educational Foundation
• “The Love Dare” by Kendrick and Kendrick
• “Save Your Marriage in Five Minutes a Day” by Bonnie Jacobson
• “Broken Hearts, Broken Dreams (Why Marriages Don’t Work Any More, and How to Make Yours The Exception)” by Chip Ingram
• “Ten Lifesaving Principles for Women in Difficult Marriages” by Karla Downing
• “Winning Your Wife Back Before It’s Too Late” by Gary and Deborah Smalley
• “Yes, Your Marriage Can Be Saved (12 Truths for Rescuing your Relationship)” by Joe and Michelle Williams
• “When The Flame Flickers (Rekindling Intimacy In Your Marriage)” by Tim Jackson
• “What Do You Do with a Broken Relationship?” by Martin DeHaan II
• “Prayers for Victory in Your Marriage” by Tony Evans
• CD set: “Finding Healing through Forgiveness” by Chuck Swindoll
• Movie: “Fireproof”
• Movie: “War Room”
• When The Man You Love Was Abused, by Cecil Murphy
• Love Letters from the Edge: Meditations for Those Struggling with Brokenness, Trauma, and the Pain of Life, by Shelly Beach and Wanda Sanchez
• Unfaithful: Hope and Healing After Infidelity, by Gary Shriverand Mona Shriver 
• Rebuilding Trust After an Affair – www.Markandjill.org/affairrecovery
• Healing Your Marriage When Trust Is Broken: Finding Forgiveness and Restoration, by Cindy Beall
• Marriage Undercover: Thriving in a Culture of Quiet Desperation, by Bob and Audrey Meisner
• Your Husband’s Midlife Crisis, by Sally Conway
• When Your Husband Is Addicted to Pornography: Healing Your Wounded Heart, by Vicki Tieder
• Your Next Steps: What to do when Your Spouse is Unfaithful, by Jill Savage
• The God Who Sees You: Look to Him When You Feel Discouraged, Forgotten, or Invisible, by Tammy Maltby