SEPARATED OR DIVORCED?
A HELPFUL DPTC GUIDE

We are so sorry that you’re in this situation. Our founder, Jim, has been through it from many angles and causes, and has witnessed strife in marriage and family since childhood. He has decided to respond to all this by “making lemonade out of lemons” … to use these experiences and the transformation he has gone through to help others to avoid the issues, problems, and trials he has gone through.

You don’t need to settle for a bad marriage, nor should you follow today’s poorly-advised ‘normal’ and just chuck it all at the first sign of a big problem. Divorce Proof This County exists to help people eliminate divorce and its causes. Please avoid that outcome … it is never too late to fix a marriage. There are many examples of couples whose marriage relationship had been damaged even worse than your current situation, and were on the brink of a painful end to their marriage … which would have solved nothing. They ended up saving their marriage. You should check out their stories.

Since God can and has raised the dead, created the earth, and created you, He can easily steer you two toward ways to save your relationship and slowly direct it back to its loving roots.

Are we at DPTC nuts for trying to eliminate this trend in our county? No. What is absolutely “nuts” is the terrible divorce rate, the thousands of dollars spent on lawyers, and the years of suffering that adults and children are experiencing as a result.

BELIEVE IT WHEN WE TELL YOU, you want to do EVERYTHING POSSIBLE to keep this thing from going into court, with its testimonies … its court dates and reschedulings … its cattle calls of divorcing and custodial humanity lining the hallways of the court … its lies, counterlies, hurt feelings, revenge, unnecessary lifetime escalations of bitterness … its aggravation … impressions and perceptions taking precedence over the truth … its twists, turns, misunderstandings, inaccuracies, and hunger for money (and we’re even talking about some of the Lawyers!). DON’T GO THERE. WE have been there, and we gotta tell ya, “You want to do EVERYTHING POSSIBLE to avoid it.”

If you got married for your own personal pleasure, to look good in the eyes of others, or to fulfill yourself and your own life/self-worth, of course marriage relationships will suffer. A transition from within you needs to be made. Solidify your Marriage by rebuilding You as a marriage partner. Put the marriage third. Yep, THIRD.

1) Get to know God – He invented you, invented marriage and its guidelines, and created the world. He is the foundation of it all, so skipping this step in order to pridefully be all tough, independent and “D.I.Y.” is stupid. Common, but stupid.  He created you for a purpose, and “You” – your stuff, your pleasure, your winning, is not the purpose. IT’S NOT ABOUT HAVING THE PERFECT MATE; IT’S ABOUT ACTIVELY STRIVING TO BECOME THE PERFECT MATE. Click here for a list of helpful materials >>

2) Not only did He invent you and invent marriage, He also gave us a lifeline – a clue – His instruction manual – the Bible! Shed all the “Well, I was brought up this way, I’m an adult now, and I’m not changing. Learning and changing ended after high school” crap. It’s not helping. All your problems, and all the world’s problems, are solved in that owner’s manual; why aren’t you reading it? PRIDE (and its minion, unmet expectations), SELFISHNESS and UNFORGIVENESS are poisons. You gotta let ‘em go, friend.  Again, STOP FOLLOWING SOCIETY’S MODEL.

IT MAY FEEL GREAT TO DO THESE THINGS IN YOUR LIFE -THEY’RE CERTAINLY POPULAR, PROMOTED, AND PRIZED THESE DAYS -BUT THEY RUIN YOU:

• Stubbornness, self-pride
• Selfishness
• Revenge, criticism, bitterness
• Self-pity, self-isolation when there’s a problem
• Gossip, slander, sarcasm, “pushing someone’s buttons” to see how they’ll react
• Being a hypocrite
• Withholding things (truth, affection, money, forgiveness, apologies) from your mate until they give in
• Fits of rage and anger; threats
• Blackmail and manipulation

Society and media show and tell us: do these things! Do you? If so, YOU NEED TO CHANGE THE PERSON IN THE MIRROR.

3) Commit to treat your spouse and the marriage covenant as more important than you, and expect nothing in return, even when boredom and the 7-year itch set in. (this sounds terribly countercultural, but it is true.)

4) Children: You love em! You’re proud of them. You want the best for them. You want them to “have an even better life than you did.” Really? Really? If you do, then you’ll maximize your efforts to provide a proper LEGACY: A consistent loving example of “how to treat a spouse, how to do life day-to-day, how to be kind, unselfish, and patient, and how to act once they’re your age” – NOT by putting your needs above theirs, NOT by smoking, swearing, gossiping, or drinking in their presence, and NOT by badmouthing the other parent in front of them. If there is dysfunction in your family and in your upbringing, YOU be the one to break the cycle. BREAK. THE. CYCLE. Do so by modeling a great, amazing, difficult, trying, wonderful process for your kids: How To Save A Marriage and Family. How to Create a Solid Family Legacy. 

5) In fifth place comes everything else…hobbies, friendships, activities, work, sports, and everything else. You name it; it belongs out of the top 4.

BECOME A BETTER PERSON. BECOME A GREAT MARRIAGE PARTNER. Resources:

• The Bible (Pick an easier to read version, such as New Living Translation, New American Standard Bible, English Standard version, or New King James Version.  Where to start? See a good, Bible-preaching pastor – or talk to us.)
• “True Spirituality” by Chip Ingram
• “The Resolution for Men” by Kendrick and Kendrick
• “Weird” by Craig Groeschel
• “Crazy Love” by Francis Chan
• “Five Moral Fences” by James MacDonald
• “Saving Your Marriage before It Starts” by Les and Leslie Parrott
• “True Woman 101: Divine Design” by Kassian and Demoss
• “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman
• “Different by Design” from Grace to You (www.gty.org)
• “Five Lies that Ruin Relationships” by Chip Ingram
• “Overcoming Emotions that Destroy” by Chip Ingram
• “Your Money Counts” by Howard Dayton
• “Love, Sex, and Lasting Relationships” by Chip Ingram
• “Swipe Right (The Life and Death Power of Sex and Romance)” by Pastor Levi Lusko
• “Act Like Men” by Dr. James MacDonald
• “Five to Thrive: How to Determine if Your Core Needs are Being Met” by Dr. Kathy Koch
• Movie: “Flywheel”
• Movie: “Courageous”
• Not Marked: Finding Hope and Healing after Sexual Abuse, by Mary DeMuth
• The God Who Sees You: Look to Him When You Feel Discouraged, Forgotten, or Invisible, by Tammy Maltby
• Never Ever Be the Same: A New You Starts Today, by Larry and Kathy Miller
• Every Man’s Battle, Revised and Updated 20th Anniversary Edition: Winning the War on Sexual Temptation One Victory at a Time, by Stephen Arterburn, Fred Stoeker

GREAT MARRIAGES DON’T JUST HAPPEN. THEY ALWAYS TAKE WORK. BUILD YOUR MARRIAGE TO LAST. Resources:

• www.markmerrill.com
• www.marriagerevolution.com
• http://familyfoundations.org/ (family financial counseling organization)
• www.focusonthefamily.org; call 1-800-AFAMILY for counseling 
• www.familytalk.org
• “The Fulfilled Family” by John MacArthur
• “Sacred Marriage” by Gary Thomas
• Devotional: “Devotions for a Sacred Marriage” by Gary Thomas
• “Married. Happily. (Secrets to a Great Marriage)” by Greg Laurie
• “Questions Couples Ask” by Les and Leslie Parrott
• “The Art of Marriage” from Family Life Publishing
• “Choose to be Happily Married” by Bonnie Jacobson
• “Building a Marriage That Lasts” by Dr. James C. Dobson
• “The Surprising Secrets of Highly, Happy Marriages” by Shaunti Feldhahn
• “Rekindling the Romance” by Dennis and Barbara Rainey
• “Building Your Marriage To Last” by Dennis and Barbara Rainey
• “Money and Marriage God’s Way” by Howard Dayton
• “Experiencing God’s Dream for your Marriage” by Chip Ingram
• “Improving Communication in your Marriage” by Gary and Barbara Rosberg
• “Building your Marriage” by Dennis Rainey
• “Kingdom Marriage” by Tony Evans
• “You and Me Forever (Marriage in Light of Eternity)” by Francis and Lisa Chan
• Daily Devotional: “Moments Together for Couples” by Dennis and Barbara Rainey
• “Four Secrets to a Forever Marriage: Marriage Tops from a Not-So-Perfect Husband” by Michael Letney
• No More Perfect Marriages: Experience the Freedom of Being Real Together, by Mark Savage and Jill Savage
• ‘No More Perfect Marriages’ Conferences – www.seminar.jillsavage.org
• How We Love: Discover Your Love Style, Enhance Your Marriage, by Milan and Kay Yerkovich
• The God Empowered Wife: How Strong Women Can Help Their Husbands Become Godly Leaders, by Karen Haught and Jerry Cooley
• Close Calls: What Adulterers Want You to Know About Protecting Your Marriage, by Dave Carder

AVOIDING DIVORCE; HEALING; PREVENTION Resources:

• “I Don’t Want A Divorce: a 90 Day Guide to Saving Your Marriage” by Dr. David Clarke
• “Forgiving Others – Joining Wisdom and Love” by Timothy S. Lane
• “Two Fleas and No Dog” by Craig Hill
• “Her Heart’s Cry” by Dana Snider (pornography addiction)
• “Black and White Bible, Black and Blue Wife: My Story of Finding Hope after Domestic Abuse” by Ruth Tucker
• “Family Feuds: How To Respond” by Christian Counseling and Educational Foundation
• “Before The Last Resort (3 Simple Questions to Rescue Your Marriage)” by George Kenworthy
• “The Love Dare” by Kendrick and Kendrick
• “Save Your Marriage in Five Minutes a Day” by Bonnie Jacobson
• “Broken Hearts, Broken Dreams (Why Marriages Don’t Work Any More, and How to Make Yours The Exception)” by Chip Ingram
• “Ten Lifesaving Principles for Women in Difficult Marriages” by Karla Downing
• “The Divorce Dilemma” CD series, by John MacArthur
• “Winning Your Wife Back Before It’s Too Late” by Gary and Deborah Smalley
• “Hope for the Separated” by Gary Chapman
• “Yes, Your Marriage Can Be Saved (12 Truths for Rescuing your Relationship)” by Joe and Michelle Williams
• “When The Flame Flickers (Rekindling Intimacy In Your Marriage)” by Tim Jackson
• “What Do You Do with a Broken Relationship?” by Martin DeHaan II
• “Rebuilding Your Broken World” by Chip Ingram
• CD set: “Finding Healing through Forgiveness” by Chuck Swindoll
• “Loving Your Spouse When You Feel Like Walking Away” by Gary Chapman
• Movie: “Fireproof”
• Movie: “War Room”
• “Every Reason to Leave -and why we chose to stay together” by Vicki Rose
• When The Man You Love Was Abused, by Cecil Murphy
• Love Letters from the Edge: Meditations for Those Struggling with Brokenness, Trauma, and the Pain of Life, by Shelly Beach and Wanda Sanchez
• Unfaithful: Hope and Healing After Infidelity, by Gary Shriverand Mona Shriver
• Rebuilding Trust After an Affair – www.Markandjill.org/affairrecovery
• Healing Your Marriage When Trust Is Broken: Finding Forgiveness and Restoration, by Cindy Beall
• Marriage Undercover: Thriving in a Culture of Quiet Desperation, by Bob and Audrey Meisner
• Every Man’s Battle (Workshop)
• Women in the Battle workshop (Women in the Battle is designed to help women who have been hurt in relationships with men who are or have been involved in pornography, sexual addiction or adultery.)
• When Your Husband Is Addicted to Pornography: Healing Your Wounded Heart, by Vicki Tieder
• Broken Heart on Hold: Surviving Separation, by Linda Rooks
• When He Leaves: Help and Hope for Hurting Wives, by Karl West and Noelle Quinn
• When Your Marriage Dies, by Laura Petherbridge
• Your Next Steps: What to do when Your Spouse is Unfaithful, by Jill Savage
• Fighting for your Marriage While Separated: A Practical Guide for the Brokenhearted” by Linda Rooks
• Redemptive Divorce – Mark W. Gaither
• Anatomy of an Affair – Dave Carder